October 11, 2011

This past month: didn't love, didn't hate it. I feel like I spent the majority of the time wondering if I was working too hard or not enough in school, and that honestly didn't do much for me. This month I am going to work on opening myself up again to those around me, and finding ways to be happy. I wasn't happy a lot in September. I just kept worrying. And that's not good.

I've been enjoying my fall break this week. Had a much needed emotional break down Thursday and Friday. Saw a play with some friends Friday night, had rehearsal Saturday for the show I'm in, and spent the rest of the time with the boyfriend working on sonnets and learning how to cook (I'm becoming domestic. What's happening to me??). I also had a session with my Alexander Technique teacher to fix my back when I injured it in voice class, and she just made everything seem so easy again.

... Why do I keep stressing over things? Not good. But I'm working on it.

Had one-act auditions last Monday at school, and was cast in Sam Shepard's play Icarus' Mother. It's going to be insanely awesome. I'm in a group of very talented, very fun actors; and my director was my script analysis teacher last year, and she knows so much about Shepard. Excited!

Dreams IV

1. This one happened a few days ago ... Larry and I were living in a swank apartment and having a party. There is this girl who neither of us know who starts hitting on Larry and goes crazy when Larry tells her he's not interested. She starts wreaking the entire place throwing things, breaking things, and all I can do is sit and watch while eating candy. Then Larry and I walk out and find ourselves in a huge hotel, where we are trying to get to our seats for the baseball game. I somehow lose him and go outside where I am home, in my backyard. I know that I need to cross through my neighbor's backyard to get where I need to be, but I have to be cautious because my neighbor has a pet bear. I go into her backyard and climb up onto her very high porch, and just as I am about to climb out from the other side, I see that my neighbor has been watching the entire time in her van. She starts yelling at me saying that I am always using her backyard to get to places and that she's tired of it. So she gets her bear to attack me. I jump off the porch into the yard and start throwing fruit to try to distract the bear, which works until I get to the gate door - that's locked - and the bear jumps at me. Then I kick the bear in the face and run.

2. Larry, Sarah and I were participating in a race in New York where we had to race up a hill on a flat, rolling thing, with our feet up so we could only use our hands to move. (Kinda reminds me of those races we had to do in elementary school that never made any sense.) And it was dark outside with no lights, so we couldn't even see where we were and how far we had already gone. I stopped maybe halfway thru because I saw someone lying on the road with a tiny light. I approached the person and saw that it was Sangwoong. He was really sad, and I didn't know what to do, so I kept on going. I caught up with Larry and Sarah, and heard Jacqueline's voice cheering us on. Then the dream skipped to Larry and I going back to my place. When we opened the door, we saw two of Larry's friends (in reality, I've never seen these people before) who decided to crash on my floor for the weekend. Odd. I then took out my keys from my pocket and noticed that they were broken. So I spend the rest of the dream coming up with how to fix my keys. Tape wouldn't work, neither would glue. One of the guys had my trying connecting the base of the key with a tiny baby doll head and hooks - that didn't work. Then my neighbor (who looked a little like Neil Patrick Harris) asked me why I haven't just gone to the super and asked for a new key. I stood there for a while, and finally said to him "Didn't know it was that simple."

3. This one was all jumbled up, so just know that, in addition to what will be described, there was a turtle walking slowly, and a little girl I kept taking pictures of. I don't know what they have to do with my dream or when they appeared, but I remember them being there. ... I had to do a photo shoot where I was really high in the air - high enough to where I could see the tops of buildings, and I had to balance on beams, three of them, with only a harness holding me. The photographer wanted me to start at the top beam and fall to the next two. And I was freaking out because of my fear of falling, but after watching two other girls do it I knew I had to get over my fear and just do it. And after I did it I felt relieved and happy. Then Larry and I went to my gluten-free bakery (because I am cool enough to have one in my dream apparently) where there were tons of packages inside and outside of the place. Turns out they were all end-products of my own recipes that people decided to make and send me to thank me. There was food everywhere. On tables, in cupboards, boxes ... just piles of gluten-free goodness. And I remember how weird and amazing it was to see how many people were happy with what I could give them that they decided to give back ... by giving me food. At the end of the dream Larry and I were eating stacks of pancakes. And then I woke up drooling.

Dreams III

I was at school with Larry, and we were walking down the hall to see the cast list from the auditions we had last night. He got the part he wanted, while I got the role of the old lady in the play I would have rather avoided. I didn't care and was happy for the boyfriend, so we left and walked down a dark, spiral staircase. When we got to the bottom, Larry was gone. I was alone in the city. I started to walk around and saw a new restaurant opening up. I followed a little girl into the place and looked around. It was bright with some oriental decorations around. I picked up a menu and left. I stood at the edge of the sidewalk for the longest time looking left and right, just watching things happen. Next, I'm home, but my apartment is bigger and kind of resembles the kitchen and living room of my parents' home. My mom came by and said that a friend of mine's mother had died, and I remember being really upset. I kept saying that she was like a mother to me to my own mom. I wasn't upset at my mother, but I was sad for what had happened, so I walked out of the house and back to the sidewalk I was at before. I sat down and started thinking. Lucy and Hannah walked by, asking me if I was okay, and went on their way. Then my mom came by, saying that if I wanted to do something nice for the person who had passed away, I could rescue her puppy that was being held at some puppy hostage place. I grabbed a few of my childhood friends and we skillfully got the puppy. It involved throwing it into a pillowcase, but it still worked. We were walking down the stairs amazed that it was that simple, when we started hearing people run after us. We ran out of the building and into a taxi telling the driver to hurry. Somehow the driver caught on to what we had done as we started driving off, and he immediately backed up the taxi to the front of the building. The people chasing us hurried into another taxi and started going in the direction they thought we went in ... even though we were in front of the building. Our driver then started honking the horn ... and I woke up to my alarm going off.

August 31, 2011

Today is my last day at work. Yaaaaaaaay!!! 5.5 hours left before I have a week and a half of freedom. Tomorrow I am going home, and I have conflicting feelings about it. My parents have re-done the entire house, including my room (which they promised they wouldn't), and I haven't liked a single thing about it. So, sleeping at home when it won't feel like home is going to be difficult, but I am happy I'll see my family and friends.

I also have a lot I need to get done before school starts. Freaking out? You bet. Thank god I'll be doing nachos and martinis night with Dallas this week. That will definitely take my mind off of everything.

August 27, 2011

I'm starting to think that a hurricane in New York isn't going to happen. It's rained twice, and yet I've been stuck inside my apartment all day. I've exercised (twice), cleaned my apartment, and have been reading and watching Korean dramas all day long. I'm getting drunk now.

So bored.

August 27, 2011

New York is supposed to be getting hit by the hurricane later today. I've never been by myself during one of these, so if this actually happens ... I will probably freak out a little bit. I'm just hoping everyone is making a big deal out if it and all that happens is a little bit of rain. BUT, just in case, I do have three bottles of wine, a stack of Chekhov plays, and a lot of Pilates to do. Preparing myself for being trapped in the apartment, maybe without electricity - crap, I need a flashlight/candles - and that I may go a couple days without seeing or talking to anyone. And really just not knowing what's going on.

This should be interesting.

July 31st

Today is Dallas' birthday!!! Yeeee!!! I only wish I was home to party with her.

The boyfriend leaves in a few hours to go home. :( I don't know what I'm going to do without another person in the apartment. It's going to be so quiet. Maybe I'll watch the movies I got for cheap because Borders is going out of business.

Saw The Devil's Double last night with the boyfriend. Word of advice (to anyone who stumbles upon this entry): Don't. Don't bother. The true story of Latif is really interesting, but has been turned into just another Hollywood action film that loses its plot 20 minutes into the thing. Seriously, the audience hates Uday when the story starts and hates him in the end, so what was the point? And for the actor playing Uday to verbally say that he could not find one single reason to fight for his character makes him coward, in my opinion. Of course Uday was a monster, but if you want to be a great actor and make extremely interesting drama/conflict happen, you have to find reasons to like your character. You're boring if you don't. And that's exactly what happened with the film. Let's not even talk about how none of the main actors were Iraqis. The star is from England and the girl who played his lover is French. I'm only glad that I paid $4 to see this movie (thanks, Groupon).

Dreams II

More weird dreams that I have had. If I were any good at writing plays or stories I would be set for life.

1. I dreamt that there were five of us getting married on the same day, in the same location. And, since we were all there, we decided to be each others bridesmaids. I have no idea who these other girls were, but we pretty much took turns being the maid of honor. When it came time for my wedding, however, not only did I have these girls around as my bridesmaids, but I also had Ashleigh and Hilary (who were wearing oriental dresses), and Sharone showed up in a cloak and took it off with that pretentious air she sometimes has and tried to be center of attention. Where was I during this? In the audience. That's right, I watched my wedding happen without me. And at some point I went down there, sat with my husband-to-be and was given a bird in a gold birdcage.

2. Chris and Justin were living together in this strangely built apartment that had low ceilings. They were moving out and decided to give me the apartment. I walked around the apartment and found a locked door with a window, covered by a curtain. I moved the curtain and found an entire room filled with puppets, and there was a puppet standing behind the door. Staring at me.

3. I helped T.O.P. shave his head. *Hot*

Dreams, July 24th

I've been having weird dreams lately, and need a place to write them down. This seems like a good place.

1. Last nights dream: I was in a car with my mom looking for some place. When we parked, we found ourselves in a deserted area. She went one way, and I went walking around by myself. I found an abandoned building, completely open, no doors, and decided to walk in. But when I did, I had a flashback of something horrible/scary that happened before - a la Rob Zombie film - and ran out of there, got back into the car and waited for my mom to come back. When she did she was holding a pair of turquoise shoes. She handed them to me saying she found this pair of turquoise ballet flats and thought I would like to have them. I put them on and thought them to be uncomfortable, until I took out the soles and found that the shoes weren't ballet flats, but one of those t-strap sandals (but thicker, and black) and lace-ups. Now my feet were in these contraptions. Then we drove off to my alma mater, where she dropped me off. I wasn't allowed to be there, but I walked into Dempsey anyway. I was looking for someone, I don't know who. I was walking up the stairs (which were different than the stairs in the real Dempsey), when I saw Trish (an older sorority sister/RA back in her day) coming down. I immediately swung myself underneath the staircase, holding on to railings built under there, hoping I wouldn't be caught. I was, however, and was pushed off campus. Not knowing what to do, I walked to, what was in this dream, Monterrey's, where I ran into Tiffany, Laura, Jessie and Neal. They were all sitting outside eating chips and salsa, drinking margaritas. Tiffany, however, was pouring rum into her tequila-heavy margarita. I joined them for a glass, and when I was done went inside to get another round. But I was stopped, because my name had been called to do karaoke. So I sang, and went back outside to find that everyone had started walking to their cars - except for Tiffany, who was completely drunk and pouring her drink onto the ground and breaking things as she went. Next thing I know, it was morning and I was at Monterrey's again, but with my mom and the manager of the restaurant, explaining to him that it was not me who was destructive the night before. And as I was telling him this, I had a guilt come over me because I wasn't sure if I should tell him who it was or if I should keep my mouth shut. But he finally got over it, when he, for some reason, remembered that it wasn't me. It couldn't have been. So he let me and my mother go, and we went off to a secluded grocery store where we spent the longest time trying to find desserts that we could use for my dads new dessert cafe (??). He wanted ones that were gluten-free, because of me, but also things that normal people would like. And then my dads assistant (??) came in saying that the new toilet to the cafe had been installed and that it was really cool, because it was a Scottish toilet. ... And then I woke up.

WHAAAAAAAAT????

2. The night before that: I dreamt that I was dead, but had been given life again. I was like who I was before, except that I had nothing inside me. No organs, bones, nothing. So I had to go searching for them, and when I found them they were in a filing cabinet flattened out, and when I picked them up they were made of paper. So I had to spend my time figuring out how to get them back they way they were, without ripping or ruining them.

... WEIRD.

3. Three nights ago: I was trying to set up a party for the boyfriend - either a "congratulations on your success" party or a birthday party, couldn't figure it out. The only location I could afford, however, was a tiny dorm room - no windows, no furniture, no appliances, about the size of the maintenance room at work. The party was the next night and I was freaking out about how I was going to throw this party for him, knowing that no one could fit into this place. Then Amy showed up saying that she lived in the room next door and said that we could use her place. She said that she lived with a lot of people, but she was the only one in town for the week. So we went in, and saw that the floor was filled up with beds and a big screen tv on the wall. It was great for whatever party I was throwing, so we started to set up. Then we got a knock on the door, and saw our gay, black friend, Craig (??), outside. He was there for the party, but he was a day early so we told him to go home.

... UHHHH .... WHAT?

July 24th

I'm so bad at keeping up with this. Jeez ... so, uhh, yeah.

Summer has been alright. I don't think I ever do well when I have nothing to do for any amount of time. I've auditioned for a few shows in the city - all of them kinda stupid. Wasn't expecting any outcome from these, I only wanted to see what would happen in an audition since it's been so long since I've done a real one. I keep getting anxiety attacks when thinking about this. Part of me feels like I have no talent at all, and that I should be getting gigs right now; but the other half knows that I am still in training and that I will be taking an audition technique class later this year, so I have nothing to worry about. It sucks to think the way I think sometimes.

I have also been working a lot. I took another shift for the summer, and have been miserable lately. It's not a bad job, really. I don't mind getting paid $12/hr (what up, raise?!) to play on the computer and occasionally do something for the club. I'm just tired of the pretentious attitudes of the people who live in this building. I lost count of how many times people have threatened to tell on me to my manager and make sure I get fired. For what? For asking if you were members and doing the job I was hired to do? Okay. See how that goes, because instead of firing me I got a raise. I also don't like it when there is no one in the gym - like today. What's the point? Especially if I'm not allowed to sit down for the 8-hr shifts I have. BUT it has been nice to be able to take days off and not be reprimanded by my boss, like at the evil chicken vinyl house. I was able to take my birthday week off (23!!) and spend it with my mom who came to visit. However, this relationship I have with this place will end soon. September soon. The one thing I will miss: the pool. Nothing else matters.

I had to cut a friendship a couple weeks ago, as well. Turns out my Korean friend had fallen in love with me (wtf?) and assumed I felt the same. He would come to my place unannounced and get upset if I wasn't there or if I was asleep and didn't answer. It got to the point where I didn't feel safe, and my parents and boyfriend hated it ... and so I said goodbye. It was a painful process, but it was for the best.

Without a friend to hang out with, I've been spending A LOT of time with the boyfriend this summer. Yes, "boyfriend." It's gotten to that point. It's been nice. Really nice, actually. I would have been lonely this entire summer if it weren't for him. We tend to go out, eat, play music, eat, watch movies, eat, go to random museum exhibits, EAT. I feel sorry for him, though. I've been sad a lot lately (an anxiety and self-consciousness takeover, I guess) and he tends to worry about me. I'm hoping to snap out of it soon. I hate this side of me, and I hate that it makes him worry. But we just finished participating in Restaurant Week - we went to three restaurants (French, Russian and New American) and paid $35 each for a three-course meal. We even finished out with a bang on our last night when they messed up my order and gave us a free entree in addition to my meal. Woo. End result, though: Grungy places are better. He leaves in a couple of weeks to visit home, and then he is moving to Brooklyn. Not sure what's going to happen then. I guess I'll just have more time to study and play my cello. And maybe take a trip to Brooklyn - I mean, I've never seen it in daylight before.

I think that's the dl of what's up with my summer thus far. Not much, unfortunately. I start school again in September and will be busy once again (Yay!) with scenes and one-act productions. I'm curious to know what group I will be in and what production I will be working on, but that brings on more anxiety so enough of that. Back to the boring job of answering the phone and telling people that the spa is booked till closing. It's fun. Trust me.

May 2, 2011

I am done with scenes for class. Cowboy Mouth went surprisingly well. Jacquelyn said that it is the best version she's ever seen, and that our work completely changed her view of the play. I still have to work on keeping things simple - that I don't need to do more work than I have to, which is still a problem I keep dealing with. But it still was a very good scene, and I'm glad that I did it ... despite the problems with the scene partner.

Today started our last week of first year. (So crazy!!!) We worked on our beginning moments in PT - Will and I brought back our This Is Our Youth scene ... still one of Hilary's favorites I think since she kept saying how much she wanted us to do it for Friday. Our last repetition class was spent talking to each other about how we individually have progressed in this past semester and year. Mine was summed up into the idea that I am a huge chameleon. Good. The one critique I got from Cynthia though has been on my mind all day - Don't apologize for being good at what you do. That's something I lost control of back in college when I would get the roles other people were pretty much crying over. I have to keep reminding myself that those people are not up here in New York, I am. And that means that I need to take ownership of the talents I have. Something to definitely work on over the summer.

That's all I am going to write for now. More later.

April 24, 2011

I hate how I look. Not happy at all. I've let myself eat things I shouldn't. ... I was doing so well too. A stricter diet will start tomorrow; already have a journal to keep track, and workouts will commence once all my scenes are done.

I will lose weight damn it!

April 23, 2010

Happy Birthday, Shakespeare, you wonderful dead poet!!!  Just for you I will speak to the members at work in an Elizabethan manner.

Update on life:

April 13th - LB's Birthday. Spent the day at school, then went straight to work. LB met me once my shift ended and we walked around the city a bit, ending up in K-Town for some late night food.

April 14th - Confronted DD on the rumors being spread about the two of us ... which ended up poorly. I sat there for at least an hour having him yell at me for no reason. Needless to say, rehearsing with him has not been fun. As much as I like Cowboy Mouth, I can't wait for it to be over. I actually can't wait for the semester to be over. All the attitudes happening in my group are ridiculous. Also saw Meta that night with HP, LF and LB. Not the best production of Meta I've ever seen. I was quite disappointed in it, so I don't think I'll even waste time seeing Hay Fever. Not worth it.

April 15th - Went into work at 5am thinking I had to open ... I didn't. So after being there for a couple hours I went back to the hotel and saw my mom who was visiting to help move some stuff into the apartment. We actually didn't move any of my belongings from the hotel there, but rather bought some furniture (one bed and four tables), kitchen appliances and a bunch of flowers for my garden. I met up with LB and GR for a couple drinks afterward, and spent the night at LBs place ... where we watched Extras ...

April 16th - Watched Extras again ...

April 21st - Joseph's farewell party at the Art Bar. Lizzi was in town and so I invited her over and we spent a couple hours catching up on life ... Atlanta sounds pretty fucked up. She's wanting to move up here (perfect idea), all she needs to do is convince Dusty. Shouldn't be too hard. After Lizzi left I moved over to where LB was sitting and hung out with that group. It was fun, despite us having to pay for other peoples food and drinks, and ID drunkenly hitting on me. Went to an after party. Smoked hookah. Listened to high people sing. Watched people pass out and ID be really drunk. Felt like I was back in college.

April 22nd - Had the best New York/Chinese food ever at a place directly across from The Ritz, then had a much needed nap back at LBs place. Met up with DD to rehearse, but he showed up 30 minutes late so all we could really do was go over our analysis. Again. I also saw SITI Company's production of Under Construction, which I really liked. I'm seeing it again on Monday after a talk-back with Anne Bogart (be jealous).

April 23rd - Woke up at LBs place, and left for rehearsal only to find out that the studios wouldn't be available till 5pm. WTF, Atlantic? DD and I spent an hour talking about our analysis (yet again), and then I left to get ready for work. And by "get ready" I mean get food from Tik Tok, lay in bed and watch Community. Now I've been here since 3pm, and have been completely bored since the spa closed. These next two hours need to hurry up! ... I might spend the night at my new place, but it's so quiet without having a tv or computer. I think I'll start staying there next weekend, when the only scene I'll have to worry about is the one I'm doing with Jess - and we're spending all of Friday rehearsing since she works double shifts on the weekends. Maybe I'll have my lease by that point so I can get my internet and cable running. That would be wonderful!

More later. <3 

April 12, 2011

Was up all night with a bit of food poisoning, and have decided to take today off from school to get better. While I feel bad (and, I'll admit it, lazy) for not going in today, I do enjoy having a day spent in bed. This has been one crazy semester, always going and never stopping.

School started again in February, right at the time when I quit working for the evil chicken vinyl house. I couldn't stand working at that place anymore, and Andy telling me that he refused to work with my school schedule was the final straw. Since then, I have had interviews for places all over Midtown - Irish pubs, avant-garde clothing stores, movie theaters ... Now I am working for a gym located in a luxury residential building as a receptionist. For $10-$12/hr, I have to stand at a desk to answer phones, schedule in appointments and make sure the gym keeps clean and presentable. Not a bad job, except that I can do everything in the first five minutes of my 8-hour shift. I don't complain, though. People who work there are artists of some form, as well as students, so my manager understands our crazy schedules and is willing to work with that. And we know our schedules at the beginning of each week - which is more than what the chicken place ever did.

School has been much better this semester - I feel like I am doing really good work now. I think winter break was what I needed to deal with everything I was going through last semester and put it away. I've opened a lot more about who I am and what I believe in. The only thing I still am needing to work on is trusting myself, but who doesn't need to work on that? Scenes that I've worked on so far have been a lot of fun - This Is Our Youth, Betrayal, The Violet Hour, Bug; and right now I am working on Cowboy Mouth and a film scene that has yet to be decided. Outside of school, I am working on short film written and directed by another first year student. I'm really excited about it, but at the same time I am completely self-conscious about how I look and sound on camera. It's the reason why I always have stayed with theatre ... Guess we'll see?

I've also started seeing someone ... and I'm enjoying every minute of it. I catch my breath every time I see him. Don't know what that's about, but I can say that this has been so much better than any other kind of relationship I've found myself in. It's easy, which I've never been a witness to. Every relationship I've witnessed or been a part of has been full of arguments and abuse, and expectations that no one can ever give to another person. This - this is fun.

Another part of my life that is fun: moving into my new apartment. Which will happen this weekend! Packing this week has been a bit stressful, and this weekend will be no different. With work and rehearsals added on top of that, I am going to be exhausted. But I will soon be living one block from Central Park and the Dakota in a studio loft apartment that also has a backyard. Photos will be added later. So excited!

Xx

1-21-2011

It's almost 1.30pm and I am still in bed. haha This break has made me incredibly lazy. My room is a mess, I have work clothes that need to washed, I should probably work out and I have to go out and buy new shoes for work. Yet the thought of putting on clothes disgusts me. I have literally spent the day watching films, again.

Work was so slow last night. I had, maybe, five tables. :( Luckily, my manager let me leave early and I traveled to Brooklyn to do some karaoke with friends.

I sang a song this time.

Big steps here, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, I sang a song and my first karaoke song at the Alligator Lounge was *drum roll*: Let's Go Crazy. 

Which leads me to my next train of thought - Prince at Madison Square.

Fucking. Amazing.

I love that he knows he's the shit and can walk around in light-up sneakers and a shirt with his face on it, and be insanely sexy at the same time. Literally the first thing he did was walk to the piano and just stand on top of it taking in all the applause and cheers. He then sat and started playing When the Doves Cry, and stopped, saying "I'VE GOT TOO MANY HITS." This concert was everything I expected it to be and more. Thank you, Prince. I now know what it's like to be around greatness. And it's hot stuff. I only hope that next time I see you in concert, you will pull me on stage, like you did with Leighton Meester and Jimmy Fallon, and sing me a song. If you need help deciding on what song that should be, two words: Purple Rain.

And thank you, parents, for the best Christmas gift ever. And for getting me a seat that had me surrounded by big black men screaming like teenage girls every time Prince started a new song. Going out for food and drinks with them afterwards and hearing their stories about having seen Prince in concert every decade he's been around was a beautiful moment for all of us involved. Also, Chris will never get his cds back. Ever.

Tonight I am going out with a gaggle of gays, so let's hope I will remember some parts of the night when I wake up tomorrow. Actually, getting back home is my number one goal. Everything else will just be a bonus. 

Good.

1-18-11

Tonight I will be completing a life goal of mine. Tonight I will see Prince.

Live. 

Madison Square Garden. 

His Purpleness and I will be in the same place for a glorious two hours. I really can't contain my excitement. EEEE!!!!!

Not only will I be checking this off on my list of life goals, but I'm hoping that this will bring in the new start I need to this year. Begin it off with an epic moment of epic proportions. I feel like I'm slowly regaining my life again after I kinda lost it for a couple of weeks. I'm tired of being in a rut, and it's time for a change. And, yes, I do believe Prince can help with that. I mean, the shopping spree I had in Victoria's Secret helped a lot ... :P

Work has been interesting. A lot of people are leaving or being fired ... yet I'm still there. And I am horrible at my job. So, I'm just surprised I haven't been fired yet. haha Last night was crazy for a Monday night, and there were only two of us on the floor, but that just meant that I made a good amount in tips last night. Woo!

I am definitely ready for school to start again. I can't wait to see everyone and catch up on the past two months. :) Also, very curious/nervous about the new groups we will be in. I've had crazy dreams about it, and about how everyone is in the best group and I'm stuck in the weak group with the alcoholics, players, and plain idiots. Oh dear ... I don't want that to happen. I am impatient and I want to know now.

Also: planning a trip to Philly for next week. Reason #1354 why I need my manager to give me a permanent schedule. Ugh.

Since the Last Time ...

Something I can't handle well: Death. What happened to Erik has made me sick to the point that I haven't been able to eat since Wednesday. I thought being at work would take my mind off of it, and it did, but everything built up into an emotional craze and it all came out last night. The last thing I wanted to do after my shift was go back to my room and be alone, so I went to the bar in Midtown and hung out with the people there. I didn't even realize they were closing till the lights came on, but I couldn't get myself to leave. So I made a complete fool of myself, which just made all of it worse. I then found myself walking around the city crying to my mom on the phone for about an hour telling her that I didn't want to be here at all and I just wanted to be home ... but that can't happen. I've been in bed all day, numb. I finally sat up about 15 minutes ago after talking to Chris. That's been the extent of my day - lonely, sad and in dire need of an escape. The thought of someone so nice, so talented, so smart, so young, now dead is ...

I just don't understand why someone with so much to live for had to go, while others of us, who haven't done much, are still here.